Cyclothymic Cister

Before the Internet, I used to lie in bed at night composing thoughts as if I were talking to a wise entity. (An actual face never came to mind). I would re-word and re-phrase the thoughts till they were crystal clear. Now I can blog. And hopefully, there are a lot of wise people with real faces out there who might just comment back.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I Have Plenty of What Makes a Home

A home is not a home
Till there are book cases full of books
And cats to lie in the nooks.
You may have a table and a chair,
A vase of flowers for added flair.
Your pantry may be a treasure trove,
You may have supper simmering on the stove.
Maybe you have friends who make frequent calls,
And love and laughter echoing in your walls.
Still, a home is not a home
Till there are book cases full of books
And cats to lie in the nooks.
Jill Fox Deaton (Cylothymic Cister)

Having said that, I got a dog last week.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Reading the Classics

Every time I read a passage of scripture (especially in the lofty language of the King James translation) I weep. It doesn’t matter what mood I’m in or what time of day it is or where I am, I well up. It is not because I’m sad—oh no—it is because I am overcome with such a flood of emotions: hope, joy, mercy, grace, purity, majesty, thankfulness, humility, love.

No other book has that effect on me and (and I’m no stranger to good literature). Yet scripture, the Bible, has the effect of being a “living word” quickening the spirit that is in me. My tears well up as I feel my spirit “leap in the womb.”

While composing this post a passage came to mind:

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul:
the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple.
The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart:
the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes.
The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring for ever:
the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold:
sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.
Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward.

Psalm 19:7-11

Thursday, February 22, 2007

I’m Indignant

If I hear one more person my age say that we should let our teenager children have their fun and sow their wild oats, I am going to scream. They say, “Don’t you remember how we were at that age?”

First of all, just because one generation does something, does not justify behavior or make it acceptable for the next.

Besides, the world is different now. This is not “American Graffiti” or “Grease”. And at least the hippie’s had a cause. Today is different.

Don’t tell me we should let young people play. “Play” leads to drugs, shoplifting, porno, perversion, rape, pregnancy, disease, felonies, prison and/or death. Meth, brain damage, rotten teeth, babies being neglected and exposed to caustic chemicals. DUI’s, car accidents, manslaughter. Grandmother’s raising grandchildren. Grandchildren crying for absent parents. Financial depletion of loved ones and a burden on society. All for the sake of giving our children space to kick up their heels!

I know from experience. Take my word for it. Or why don’t you take a look at what your teenagers are writing in their letters to one another and in their diaries and on their blogs. It will shock even the most liberal parent. Don’t gasp at what I’ve just said and say, I trust my child and would never think of invading their privacy. Don’t be fooled. They are great manipulators and cons. We have an obligation to try to head them off before they slip into the pit. I would rather give them boundaries and put up with the resulting temper tantrums than to get a call in the middle of the night from the jail or the morgue. I wish I had put up with more tantrums.

Monday, February 19, 2007

"Lovely" Graffiti

Graffiti on my fogged-up storm door.

The artist.
Those precious words were written by the finger of my 4-year old Granddaughter. I wish they were permanently etched on my door. Those memories fade too quickly.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Herbal Tea & Yoga verses Drugs & Alcohol

In a conversation lately with my oldest daughter I told her that I thought I was going through pre-menopause. My mood swings seem to be more severe with an added element of desperation. She was trying to be sympathetic and offer solutions. First she suggested I look into hormone treatments, which I dismissed as “risky.” Then she said, “Well, why don’t’ you try herbal teas?”

I reminded her about the time she went to our family doctor seeking help for stress hoping to come away with a Xanax prescription. Instead the doctor recommended Yoga. My daughter called me saying, Dr. __ told me to do freaking YOGA!

So to the herbal tea suggestion I said, “Herbal freaking Tea! The only herbal brew I’m gonna drink in make from hops or rye.

She laughed and said, “I know. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Haunting Dreams

My new blogging friend, Cardio Girl, has been mentioning her dreams of late. I’ve also been “blessed” with vivid dreams all of my life. Some of them are so vivid that I have haunting feelings the entire next day. This morning was one of those times

In my dream, I had just purchased a beautiful sorrel mare. She was mature and highly trained with an excellent temperament. When she arrived at my place, I let her run around in a paddock to stretch her legs.

The weather was very hot and the horse quickly worked up a lather. A friend that was visiting asked if he could hose her down to which I agreed. The friend also provided the horse with a bucket of water and she drank her fill.

Upon returning to the house the reality hit me that this horse was going to be a real delight. We had bonded immediately and with her training and temperament it was going to be a pleasure to go riding. So, I changed my shoes and went back out to the paddock to go riding. To my shock and dismay, the horse was dead.

I cried with body-jerking sobs. I cried with the same intensity intermittently for days. When I awoke I had a heavy sadness hanging over me. It has been haunting me all day.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Unfurling from the Fetal Position

I’ve never been so lazy.

When I get home from work at 5:10 p.m. (I just live 2.8 miles from work), I get my pajamas on, make a quick supper (instant rice or something) and get in bed and watch TV and/or read. That is all I want to do. I look forward to it everyday. My mind tells me I should be doing something useful or visiting my elderly mother, but I can’t get past my desire for self-indulgence.

I have no children at home. My husband is working nights. Domestic choirs are minimal. So I just give in and retreat to my sanctuary.

It hasn’t always been like this. On any given year since, oh say 1986 (but who is counting), I have had drama on top of drama. Even recently (and on-going) my life has been plagued with drama. So it isn’t any wonder that I relish peace when it is available. (It is more like reverting back to the fetal position to block out the pain of life than it is self-indulgence, however). Still, I am rationalizing.

But now that the most depressing day of the year is past (Jan. 24) I am beginning to unfurl from the fetal position and start living again. I have to tell myself that it is ok to have a mixture of productive and non-productive days so that I won’t get overwhelmed. You see, being “cyclothymic” I tend to go from one extreme to the other—all or nothing.

So, this entry on my blog is a start. Wish me luck.