Cyclothymic Cister

Before the Internet, I used to lie in bed at night composing thoughts as if I were talking to a wise entity. (An actual face never came to mind). I would re-word and re-phrase the thoughts till they were crystal clear. Now I can blog. And hopefully, there are a lot of wise people with real faces out there who might just comment back.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Don't Shift the Focus

Just because I’m moody does not mean that you don’t make me crazy, Dear Husband. You are a kind man, and you are very good to me (and our six cats) in many ways. But your clutter and inability to throw away trash still gets to me. You think it is me, because when I am in a certain mood, I bring it up. When I am in another mood, I tolerate it and don’t mention it. But that does not mean that the messes don’t still bother me! Read the title of my blog: Cyclothymic. Let me elaborate. When in the “up” phase of the cycle, it is as if a veil is removed and I suddenly see all that is lovely and beautiful. I become optimistic and energetic and creative. The energy makes me think I can conquer all problems. However, I am still aware of the problems, including your lack or organizational skills when it comes to your clutter.

When in the “down” phase of the cycle, darkness sweeps over my vision and a different veil is removed. Now I can see all that is disappointing, sad, and melancholic. In fact, I seem to recall everything I ever did that caused pain or regret. I seem to recall all that is bitter-sweet, happy memories that can never be again. Grief and Anger prevail. Immediate problems seem insurmountable. And maybe many of the problems are. That becomes my main focus.

Now just because these moods are on different ends of the spectrum does not mean the truth is not there. Both ways of seeing life are reality and truth. Too bad the insights don’t overlay one another so that I’m not pulled from one end to the other.

Having said all of that, Dear Husband, just because I am like that, doesn’t mean that your passive-aggressive personality isn’t a problem. You’ve got your own demons to fight. You don’t want to cause conflict or sound like the bad guy, so you say all the right things but your actions don’t match your words (sometimes). You make promises that you don’t keep. You promise to clean up messes and get organized in order to prevent new messes but you don’t. So when I mention other things that are bothering me (not related to you), don’t think that the other stressors in my life are making me overly sensitive to the problems you cause. When I’m depressed over something else, do not use that for an excuse to think that is why I am picking on you. Your behavior really is part of the problem.

One more thing: words mean something. I listen carefully to your words. I base my assumptions, my hopes, even our relationship on what you say. I take it to be the truth. Then when the reality of the situation tells me something different than your words told me, I feel confused. That is why I am in counseling--that and all the clutter.

Thank you fellow bloggers out there, if you read this. I feel much better having gotten this off my chest.

PS. By the way, my husband is a very good husband. We just have issues from time to time.


At 12:14 PM, Blogger Chicka said...

Don't you just HATE when they blame PMS for everything. Yeah, you never do anything to piss me off. It MUST be my period. Bleugh.



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