Cyclothymic Cister

Before the Internet, I used to lie in bed at night composing thoughts as if I were talking to a wise entity. (An actual face never came to mind). I would re-word and re-phrase the thoughts till they were crystal clear. Now I can blog. And hopefully, there are a lot of wise people with real faces out there who might just comment back.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Know as we are known

It is nice to be on the up side of a "high" mood, especially after spending about three weeks in the deepest grief, rage and despair that I've felt for a long time. Those extreme emotions were tangibly pulsing through my blood stream. It hurt so bad that it felt good, in a cleansing sort of way. Anyway, one of the things that I was grieving about is that I don't think my husband really knows me. I mean, he never comments on what I do, or don't do. (We'll get back to that thought in a moment--it is more of the problem of wanting praise). So one day I pleaded with him to tell me who I am, to tell me something about the deepest part of my soul that only a spouse would or could know. He couldn't. I was crushed.

So I started thinking, "why is it so important to us humans to be intimately known by someone else?" It must be important to God, because we read that " . . . now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. (I Cr. 1:12). That was a comforting thought, that the God of all the earth already knows me intimately. (But still that doesn't excuse a spouse from knowing you or take the place of being understood).

Anyway, on with my point. That same week we ran into an old friend of mine who invited me (and my husband) to "Friends Day" at his church that Sunday. The message just happened to be about how God knows us intimately. Wow.


At 6:35 AM, Anonymous cardiogirl said...

Hey Cister,

I found you through War Cry Girl, I enjoy your stuff, but I think I've read it all. Please give me more...

I think you're right that we all have a basic need to be acknowledged and appreciated. But I think we all want to be known at least by one person as completely unique.

I suppose that's where your husband comes in. You're hoping he's going to appreciate your uniqueness, the things that are special just to you and praise you and appreciate you for those traits.

Do you two speak openly? It sounds like the houseguest from Hades kind of brought you closer. Maybe you could let him know you're looking for more intense conversations.

p.s. My husband is a huge Philip Yancy (sp?) and C.S. Lewis fan. Maybe I should pick up one of Yancy's books...


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