Cyclothymic Cister

Before the Internet, I used to lie in bed at night composing thoughts as if I were talking to a wise entity. (An actual face never came to mind). I would re-word and re-phrase the thoughts till they were crystal clear. Now I can blog. And hopefully, there are a lot of wise people with real faces out there who might just comment back.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

The Love of My Life

My granddaughter is visiting this weekend. I love her more than life.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Praise me if I Please You

If I think I am pleasing you, I will work my heart out. In fact, I will try that much harder to do a good job. Employers should understand that concept. Husbands should understand that concept. To illustrate just how responsive I am to praise let me share a little anecdote. A few months ago I had to have an MRI of my shoulder. The assistant told me to hold very still and then he place head phones on my head, turned on the conveyor and off I went into the tunnel. Periodically, his voice would break in over the music and he would tell me how good I was doing. Intellectually I knew that was what he tells EVERY patient. Intellectually I knew that he was simply practicing good "bedside manner." But my emotions were telling me, "yea. I am doing good. I am holding so still. In fact, I will hold my breath so I can be even more still. They will really think I'm a good patient then. They will really get good images of my shoulder." Isn't that silly??

Now to relate that to my marriage. I am on my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 20 years and I gained a lot of experience on how to be a good spouse. So, I was excited about putting into practice all those attributes with my second marriage. Boy was I gonna make my new husband proud!

As time went on, however, it became painfully apparent that my new husband didn't take notice of all these things. He told me that he loved me whether I did anything or not. That confuses me. I guess he could have married anyone and been happy.

I kinda feel displaced. My talents seem to be a waste now. Isn't that ironic, that the very thing I long for is to know that I'm pleasing someone and I don't get a word from my husband.

Know as we are known

It is nice to be on the up side of a "high" mood, especially after spending about three weeks in the deepest grief, rage and despair that I've felt for a long time. Those extreme emotions were tangibly pulsing through my blood stream. It hurt so bad that it felt good, in a cleansing sort of way. Anyway, one of the things that I was grieving about is that I don't think my husband really knows me. I mean, he never comments on what I do, or don't do. (We'll get back to that thought in a moment--it is more of the problem of wanting praise). So one day I pleaded with him to tell me who I am, to tell me something about the deepest part of my soul that only a spouse would or could know. He couldn't. I was crushed.

So I started thinking, "why is it so important to us humans to be intimately known by someone else?" It must be important to God, because we read that " . . . now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. (I Cr. 1:12). That was a comforting thought, that the God of all the earth already knows me intimately. (But still that doesn't excuse a spouse from knowing you or take the place of being understood).

Anyway, on with my point. That same week we ran into an old friend of mine who invited me (and my husband) to "Friends Day" at his church that Sunday. The message just happened to be about how God knows us intimately. Wow.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Third Sister out of Four Girls--no Brothers

This is me many years ago. I am third of four girls. That is where the "Cister" thing comes in. More about my sisters in the future.

What is cyclothymia?

First of all, I have not been clinically diagnosed with cyclotyhmia. I stumbled across this personality type when I was looking up my husband's personality traits (who has a different PType altogether). When I read about cyclothymia I recognized myself. I got excited to find out that there was actually a name for what I go through. Moods changing from hypomania to mild depression, each lasting only a few days with normal periods in between. I just thought I couldn't stay "up" for very long and I was always trying to analize why. Now I know that it is nothing external, really. It was also encouraging to find out that, since I never go to severe extremes, then it is not full blown bi-polar disease.

I must be in the hypomania phase right now, because I started this blog. I went from knowing nothing about blogging a couple of days ago, to wanting to learn HTML and create my own template. Words started flowing and I feel I must write.

I plan to provide links to sites that define hypomania, cyclothymia, depression, etc. One more encouraging discovery. The positive side of the Cylothymic personality is the Artistic Personality (according to one source). More on all this later.

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One thing about myself that I found troubling is that I crave praise. I thrive on praise. Today I was thinking about how disgusting it is to want my ego stroked. But then it hit me, "I don't want my ego stroked. I want to please you." When I am praised by someone, then I know that I have pleased them and that was my goal all along. Now I feel much better about myself.